The Tragically Original Tale of Bella's Love Life
by ladytransformed
Summary: Follow Bella Swan, the glorified wallflower, who hates Edward Cullen, man-whore, at first sight but proceeds to enter a contrived relationship with him anyway. They soon find that they are soul mates and surprisingly so are their best friends! AH Parody.
1. Chapter 1

_Just one note before we plow on to the story: this fic is a PARODY. It is intended for mature audiences who understand and appreciate sarcasm. Please do not take this seriously or personally. We've rated this story M because we really want you all to understand that this is for a truly mature audience and isn't for everyone. Thanks for reading!_

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Meet Bella Swan. Bella is a socially awkward geek who is secretly beautiful but no one would know it because she is always hiding her nose in a book. What book you ask? Wuthering Heights, of course! It is apparently the only book she owns.

Other than reading, Bella likes to wear the color blue. It makes appear rather like a blueberry at times, but it doesn't faze her because the color apparently looks very good on her pale, ghostly skin. And everyone knows that once a girl gets a fleeting compliment while wearing one color, she is destined to wear that color and only that color for the rest of her life. That's just how it works.

Let us begin our tragically original story by prefacing Bella's current situation. She lives with her two BFFs, Alice and Rosalie (who will be henceforth called Rose), in a ridiculously large apartment that they can afford even though they apparently have no jobs and go on exorbitant shopping trips every weekend. Bella and her two best friends are still in college, but don't worry, we won't bore you by ever having them go to class. What's the fun in that after all? No, in fact, reader, we won't even be mentioning that Bella, Rose and Alice have homework because an accurate portrayal of college life is not what you came here for! We'll forget about that sort of thing the moment we delve into our tragically original plot anyway.

What is our tragically original plot, you wonder? Well, reader, let me assure you, it's full of witty twists and turns that you have read time and again but never quite like this. That's where the tragically original part comes in because you see, we've decided to simply re-arrange all those twists and turns and call it new. Wonderful idea, we know.

Now let us begin.

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It was Bella's first day of classes today. If you recall correctly, reader, Bella is the socially awkward type so she didn't really care much about what she was going to wear for her first day of school, but have no fear! We're going to describe it in great detail for you anyway.

She was wearing some jeans that really hugged her figure in all the right places, whatever that's supposed to mean. She also pulled on a vibrantly blue t-shirt that really showed off her assets. We're not sure why a socially awkward girl would wear clothes like these, but that's how it seems to go. She also, of course, had her hair perfectly curled around her shoulders and had on a few layers of make-up.

Bella's father had given her a very old truck that we can really only describe as big, red and rusty. It was also very loud. It was in this truck that Bella drove to school in for her big first day at class.

When she pulled into the parking lot, Bella was immediately noticed by every hot guy in the vicinity. You know the kind of greeting you always wanted when you walked into a place? The kind where all the best-looking guys melt at your feet and all the popular girls want you to be their friend? Yeah, that's the greeting Bella got because, of course...she was secretly beautiful although tragically, socially awkward.

One of these super-attractive boys that immediately fell in love with Bella was Edward Cullen. Edward was captain of pretty much every sports team Seattle University had. Football. Baseball. Hockey. Tennis. Basketball. Yeah, that's how he rolled.

When Edward first saw Bella, he just knew she was the girl for him. It wasn't just him lusting after her apparently perfect body and flawless wit. It was real, true love. Because of this love, Edward immediately decided to introduce himself because he knew that Bella would swoon at his devastatingly handsome smile and dazzling green eyes. Heck, Edward swooned at himself every time he caught his reflection.

"Hello, I'm Edward," he introduced himself with one of his trademark lopsided grins. The grin was supposed to make her go weak at the knees, but instead Bella looked rather put out.

"Another one?" she muttered to herself in disgust. You see, reader, instead of being thankful that all these hot boys were throwing themselves at her, Bella was very upset. She didn't want the attention. At all. It was all very frustrating to her that she couldn't even get to her first class without being asked on a date. So, as you can probably deduce, Bella hated Edward Cullen on principle. He was disturbing her peace; invading her bubble.

Bella walked into the building, knowing she just had to get herself out of the spotlight, and she had to get him off her mind.

She was so busy hating that haughty, arrogant, no-good, athlete of all things known that she totally didn't notice two, tall stick figures in front of her. Because she is Bella Swan, and honestly can't go one day without tripping, falling down or running into something, she barrels into the stick figures and dramatically falls to the ground. Absolutely horrified and blushing like a red rose first blooming, Bella looked up to find two blondes staring down at her, their mouths hanging open in absolute shock that this awkward brunette just smacked into them hard enough that their hair was slightly mussed from the sudden contact. This was absolutely unacceptable because, you see, these two blonde sticks were the queen bees of the sorority circle, Jessica and Lauren. Pretty much every guy at the university had slept with one or both of them. Including Edward Cullen, because as you've probably assumed on top of being haughty, arrogant, no-good, and an athlete of all things known, Edward Cullen was also a man-whore. Of course.

Anyway, back to our story. After Bella ran into Lauren and Jessica, she muttered a quick apology which was met by indignant, very high-pitched scoffs.

"How dare you run into us!" Lauren screeched loudly and everyone in the vicinity looked at them.

"Yeah, don't you know who we are?" Jessica added with a well-placed sneer.

Before Bella could respond with another mumbled apology however, who should interrupt this little scene but Edward Cullen. Remember him? Haughty man-whore who Bella hates on principle? Oh good, you have a decent memory.

"Now, now, ladies, why don't you leave our pretty new girl alone?" Edward said with his trademark crooked grin.

Lauren and Jessica both swooned simultaneously and sighed.

"Okay, Edward, whatever you say," one of the blondes cooed. Bella rolled her eyes in disgust. She didn't understand the full extent of Edward Cullen's dazzling skills yet.

But don't worry, she will learn. Soon. Probably sooner than you think. But for the sake of drama and tension we're going to stretch it out, because this is our parody and we can get away with it.

But let's get back to the awkward, stick chicks and man-whore. Clearly, Edward had a way with the ladies. Except with Bella because she was different. Jessica and Lauren both sent Edward a flirtatious wink and turned away, leaving Bella alone with the one man she hated above all others.

Bella then realized she was still on the ground, and she scowled when Edward offered his hand to help her up. Because he plays every sport ever invented, he was really strong and pulling her up was like pulling up...air.

"You really shouldn't fall down unless I am there to catch you," Edward said as his eyes and smile tried to start dazzling the wits right out of her. Because we're telling you, he's really good at this. A few girls who were standing nearby actually fainted from being dazzled so thoroughly.

Sadly, Bella was immune to Edward's dazzling skills so far. She was far to busy glaring out of pure spite at him to nice the way his beautiful green eyes sparkled in the sun or the way his perfectly sculpted chest was defined by his conveniently tight shirt.

"I'll try to make it a point to make sure you're around when I embarrass myself from now on then," Bella all but snarled her perfectly formulated response at Edward.

"That's all I ask," was Edward's overly charming response. Have we mentioned that he oozed charm and dazzle from every pore recently? Oh, we have? Well, it doesn't hurt to reiterate it occasionally, just in case it slips your mind.

As soon as Edward spoke these overly charming words, however, Bella turned smartly on her heel and stomped away. Conveniently, she doesn't trip as she's making her get-away because you know…that would be rather anti-climactic. No, reader, instead of tripping again, Bella made it safely to class with no more assistance from the dazzling and smitten Edward Cullen.

We must leave Bella as she enters the classroom, however, because as we told you before, dearest reader, we aren't going to bore you with any realistic details of a college student's life. Our tragically original plot will only record the details that are related to what will become the highly interesting and rich love life of one Bella Swan.

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_Reviews are love. :-) _


	2. Chapter 2

_OHEMGEE YOU GUISE, WE TOTALLY FORGOT TO SAY SOMETHING LAST TIME! We forgot to mention that this is like…our first fic EVAR and we suck at writing but omgz we hope you'll read anyway?_

_We'd also like to add that we do not condone crying over BD spoilers. Only laughing is permissible at this point. And reading parodies of fanfiction. That's acceptable too, but it is a bit of a stretch._

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Later that week when Bella came home to her elaborate apartment that you recall she shares with her BFFs Rose and Alice, said BFFs were waiting to ambush her with a storm of unwanted and highly protested make-up.

"BELLA!" Alice squealed the moment she walked in. You may know what Alice looks like already, but don't worry if you can't remember every detail, because we're going to tell you again! Alice is very short and seems to have the tendency to act as if she has just snorted a whole lot of crack, but we're just going to chalk that up to too much caffeine. When describing Alice, the word pixie is often used and abused over and over, so don't worry we will be following suit. It is not merely enough to say she appeared pixie-like once. Oh no, reader, we would never slight you of our descriptive prowess in that way! We will use it in conjunction with Alice every chance we get.

Now that we've got some preliminaries out the way for Alice, let's move into another long descriptive passage to describe Bella's other BFF, Rose. Basically, Rose is every man's secret fantasy of the perfect woman. Blonde hair, blue eyes, big boobs, perfect body...oh and apparently she's an ice cold bitch, too. Who would have guessed with looks like that? But don't worry too much, reader! Bella and Rose are BFFs if you recall and Rose directs most of her bitchiness toward the male population because apparently she is an obvious man-hater.  
Now, as we're sure you're quite anxious and totally on the edge of your seat, let's get back to the story. If you recall, Alice has just screeched out Bella's name at the top of her lungs.

"We have to get you ready! OH MY GOD, we're going to go to the new club in town tonight and you're coming with us even though we both know you hate clubs!!" Alice continued in a high pitch, jumping up and down as all grown women do when encouraging friends to spend a night out on the town with them.

"Yeah, Bella, come on! We're going to play dress up with you know even though, once again, we know you hate it! We're even going to make you squeeze yourself into the skankiest dress we could find even if it makes you uncomfortable because that's what good friends do!!" Rose chimed in enthusiastically and grabbed Bella forcefully. Alice and Rose both clamped onto Bella's arms, ignoring their friend's blatant cries for mercy, and then threw her into their make-up chair to get her ready for the night.

Oh, let's just skip the makeover chitchat. The only important point to get out of this is how Bella looks when her BFFs are done drowning her in powder and sticky gloss.

"OHMYGOD BELLA," Alice shrieked. "You look hot, you obviously would get nowhere in this world without our help!"

Bella cringed as she looked at herself in the mirror. She hated when Alice and  
Rose did this to her. It was another instance where her bubble was invaded and gosh, she was just Bella! She was nothing special, at all. However, Bella was also completely selfless, so she wouldn't steal the joy of glamming her up from them. Her friends could probably beg to drive a truck over her and she'd let them.

Rose sat down on the chair next to Bella and smirked. "That really, really, really tight and tiny black dress is going to do wonders to those curves of yours."

Because, remember readers? Bella is extremely uncomfortable bringing any sorts of attention to her body; just forget about those tight jeans she always wears. It's not her fault, really.

The next thing our poor heroine knows, she being squeezed into a dress that well...let's just say it doesn't cover much. In fact, let's go so far as to say Bella looks a bit like a two-bit hooker in it. (We would say that we have a picture on our profile, but unfortunately we haven't put that much effort into this. But you know that, in spirit, there's totally a picture there.)

Now after Alice and Rose push Bella into slutty clothes and way too much make-up, they of course immediately set off for the club of their choosing: Club Sparkle. We're not quite sure how they arrive at the club, but that's not important, what's important is that Bella and her two BFFs arrive at the club and are immediately ogled by every guy in the place. Because, as you should have grasped by now, dearest reader, all three of these girls are mind-blowingly gorgeous even though Bella is still a bit socially awkward.

The three BFFs grab a table, because don't you know that's always the first thing you do when you go to a club and then Alice proceeds to order some unidentifiable alcohol that will get them all very, very drunk. Bella protests and doesn't want to drink the unidentifiable alcohol but her two darling and very considerate friends all but force it down her gullet. That's what real friends are for, after all.

After one shot of the unidentifiable alcohol, Bella is already very woozy but we'll only mention that in passing because really, if she was as drunk as we claim she is, she wouldn't even be able to stand up, let alone dance which is what she will be doing now.

Why dance? Well, besides the fact that she's at a club, as you well remember, I'm sure, reader, at that very moment a very sleazy looking man came up to ask her to dance with him. Bella agrees as she is quite tipsy from the unidentifiable alcohol her friends gave her and makes her way out to the dance floor where she begins dancing with said sleazy guy.

Let's begin by describing this sleazy man to you. It won't be that hard, or that long, honest. The sleaze is a blonde. Did you figure out who it is already? No? Because we can build up to the moment where he introduces himself and Bella realizes the man she is dancing with is actually her long lost admirer from high school. And then we can wait as you all gasp in shock and call us clever for our intelligent and oh so original way of bringing, that's right, Mike Newton into this tragically original plot.

Aha, we bet you didn't think it would be him, are we right?

"Mike?" Bella slurs out, in this sort of aghast and slightly horrified way that leads Mike to believe that she is actually really into him. Because as you know, some guys just never, ever move on from crushes. Absolutely not.

Mike decides now is the best time to start grinding into this awkward but hot girl that he has loved forever and knows she has secretly always loved him too, despite the fact that she...oh, you understand. She's too good for blue eyed blondes. Duh.

"Bella, it's been so long," he says through the dancing he is sure is making Bella want him more and more.

But the sad fact is that it is not making Bella want him more and more, in fact it's causing her to feel a bit ill. However, as we've mentioned before, Bella is essentially a selfless character so she keeps letting Mike grind on her inappropriately until we decide to throw a real wrench into Mike's plan.

You see, readers, just as Mike is doing his best impression of dancing with Bella, who is coincidentally for her clumsiness surprisingly an amazing dancer, the most unlikely person ever walks into the club and immediately sees our damsel in distress. Why, reader, we are shocked you haven't already guessed who this unlikely person is! But it's okay, this is a tragically original plot after all.

Let us enlighten you then. The man who walked in the door and immediately spotted Bella was none other than Edward Cullen, man-whore extraordinaire and apparently, Bella's knight in slightly tarnished (and un-virtuous) armor.

"Bella!" Edward yelled in anger and immediately yanked Mike Newton off of her and threw him down to the floor with his super big muscles because if you recall, reader, Edward is quite the jock so he can totally throw a grown man to the floor with little to no effort, don't worry.

From the floor Mike groans but doesn't stand back up because Edward pretty much pwned him. Unfortunately, Bella was not impressed.

"Why did you do that?!" Bella screamed. (You'll excuse us if we conveniently forget that she was slurring her words a few minutes ago.)

"Because he was practically molesting you," Edward replied, with a roll of his eyes.

"Yeah...well, I still hate you," Bella shot back childishly and as we're sure you have already anticipated, she stuck her tongue out at him.

"Wouldn't have it any other way," Edward said, oozing his usual dazzling charm but Bella was still sadly immune to his dazzles. But never fear, reader, soon she'll see the light and possibly even be blinded by his dazzle! "Can I buy you a drink anyway?"

"OH MY GOD," a tiny (but very high) shriek comes from behind Bella before she is able to make her well-timed comeback. "Of course you can buy Bella a drink, oh my God."

_Curses to that tiny pixie,_ Bella fumes to herself. Guys, remember, you have to always refer to Alice as a pixie at least one time per day. At least.

Bella turns around to send her BFF a glare, but Alice just practically bounces over to the bar and leaps onto the stool. Should we mention she did this really gracefully? Like a ballerina? Only, a lot better.

For some reason, Bella does not argue with her friend or try to tell Edward that she doesn't want a drink from him. Why would she do a thing like that anyway? We don't know, nor do we care. We need to get this plot rolling and what better way to do that than to fill Bella with alcohol which again, we refuse to identify.

After a few drinks, Bella finally noticed the absence of her other BFF, Rose, and asked Alice about it.

"Where's Rose?" Bella asked, seemingly free of any drunken impulses so far. They only pop up when it's convenient after all.

"You know...now that I think about it, she went off to dance with some huge body builder type and never came back. I should go look for her," Alice mused and hopped off her stool quickly before Bella could fully process that she was being left alone with the bane of her existence, Edward Cullen.

It did not escape Edward's notice, however, and he finally saw his chance to convince Bella that he really was as dazzling as all the other girls said.

"Bella, I think you're really beautiful, you know," Edward told her sexily, his hair falling into his eyes creating the perfect image of sex on legs, of course. We would say Bella never stood a chance, but Bella seemed to have an unnatural fortitude against his charms.

As we've told you before, reader, Bella is secretly beautiful but there is absolutely no way she'd ever believe it if anyone told her. That would be preposterous, for the main character to actually believe she was beautiful, after all.

Instead of responding to Edward, Bella once again will show us her maturity, this time by storming away from him. As you've probably already deduced, dear reader, she didn't make it all too far without tripping and almost falling flat on her face. We say, almost, because Edward caught her _just_ in time and pulled her dangerously close to his body so of course, Bella was very aware of him behind her as she regained her balance.

"You're cute when you're clumsy," Edward observed. His charm was oozing again and he had that trademark crooked grin on his face. As she straightened herself up, Bella huffed and puffed in indignation and finally looked him in his beautiful green eyes (almost as green as a fresh pickled toad, but not quite), intent on getting in one last insult before she left for good.

...and then, it happened.

Bella was dazzled by Edward Cullen.

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_DID YOU GUESS THAT SHE WOULD BE DAZZLED YET? OMG IT TOOK US BY SURPRISE TOO!_

_(This may seem like a weird thing to mention but please don't post BD spoilers in your reviews however tempting it may be because Kris, one of your esteemed authors, refuses to read spoilers ad will be very sad if she is spoiled. Actually, she maintains that she will "cut you up" if you spoil her. Julie is doubtful about the validity of this statement, but passes it on anyway because Julie doesn't care much about spoilers, but has decided to humor Kris by asking for you all to not post them.)_

_Reviews are love._


	3. Chapter 3

_If you take Kris' excuse for the delay of the chapter, she says it's all Julie's fault for not writing. Julie will argue and say that it was both of their faults. The real reason is that both of us were plotting a way to remove it from the site and publish it as our own original piece of fiction without telling the other one. This plan backfired when we found out it was apparently not a very original idea to do this, so we were practically forced to continue posting here._

_--_

Since she had been dazzled so thoroughly, Edward, who is a man-whore, after all, had no trouble convincing Bella to go home with him. In fact, she all but jumped him right there in the middle of the dance floor.

It was a good thing she didn't because that might have been more awkward than what is about to happen in our tragically original plot.

You see, Bella and Edward did make it to Edward's apartment and as you can probably already deduce, clothes began to simply fly away from their bodies at a very rapid rate until they were both very scantily clad and making out with a fervor on his couch. Why not the bedroom, you ask, dear reader? Well, it would be very inconvenient for our next plot twist of course!

Before we shock you with a twist, let's just point something out. Bella Swan has never been with a man before. Ever. Oh she had so many opportunities, but she was never dazzled enough to care. Bella Swan has never acted on so many hormones before now. But here's the thing, readers.

Bella Swan is an amazing kisser. She's an amazing strip-the-clothes-off-you-er. Edward Cullen has never felt so turned on in his entire life, but Bella is simply a natural and great at it, even though she's had no prior experience. Ever.

Okay, plot twist time.

Because Edward and Bella were so caught up in the extreme heat of the moment, they both failed to hear the laughter and banging from outside the door. In fact, it wasn't until the door swung open and the lights turned on, did Edward and Bella jerk away from each other and find themselves staring at the four rather shocked (but incredibly amused nonetheless) faces of their four best friends.

Oh, did we forget to mention that Edward lived with two other really hot guys too? Convenient, aye?

The even more convenient part of this whole plot twist is that those two really gorgeous best friends of Edward's just happened to be accompanied by Bella's two BFFs. Bet you never saw that one coming.

"EDWARD, MY MAN!" Emmett bellowed. (Apparently the man can only ever speak in caps lock. It's a character rule.)

"Emmett? Jasper?" Edward gaped at his two best friends in absolute shock as if seeing them in their shared apartment was something he never thought would happen.

"Rose? Alice?!" Bella screeched at the same time as Edward, but she was a little more justified in her cry. After all, her two best friends had just shown up in the nick of time to prevent her from getting laid by a man-whore...and they were on the arms of two very gorgeous men themselves. "What are you doing here?"

"We're here with these two hunks, obviously," Rose explained in her usual bitchy way. "What are you doing here?"

Bella blushed all the way down to her toes because that's the only acceptable response from her at this point. Witticisms elude Bella right when she would need them most.

"I...uh..." Bella was suddenly very aware of her and Edward's states of undress.

Luckily for Bella, Edward was a man-whore and has had plenty of practice dealing with awkward situations like this. Oh that Edward, he's just so darn good at everything, isn't he.

"We were just uh - getting to know each other better," Edward explained.

"With your clothes off?" Alice asked doubtfully.

Bella, who was once again as red as a beet because she just can't go one second without blushing, rushed to grab her shirt and stammered without a response for a moment. Edward, for his part, sat unabashed in only his boxers on the couch because he was quite comfortable being almost naked in front of complete strangers. It came with the territory of being a man-whore.

Bella glanced sheepishly over to her dazzler and noticed how he wasn't moving.

"Edward, what are you doing? Put some clothes on!" she said frantically. Her clothes were practically putting themselves on her, she was moving so fast. But, behold! Bella Swan completes her day fantastically as she stumbles to the ground after attempting to put her pants on.

(Readers, please don't worry. She does this a lot, so she's fine).

Edward was about to lean over to help her up, but she got up quickly and shrugged him off. Because Bella is still independent and doesn't need his help.

Edward leaned back and smirked, his teeth so white they were blinding, and his crooked smile so intoxicating it, he...well you know...dazzled her.

"I'm comfortable in these clothes, right here," he said. "It would make more sense if you came back over here, though, just like earlier, and we-"

"Bella Swan, YOU HAVE SO MUCH EXPLAINING TO DO TONIGHT, OMIGOD," Alice shrieked.

And with those words, reader, I'm sure you can imagine what came next. The small pixie(ah, you thought we would forget to refer to her as a pixie this chapter?) darted over to Bella and tackled her to the ground, all the while insisting in a high pitch that she had to spill _everything._

"Sorry, boys, but it looks like we'll have to take a rain-check tonight. We've suddenly got more important things to do than openly lust after you," Rose sniffed and swept out of the room as soon as she made sure Alice was dragging a still half-clothed Bella after her.

"Where are we going?" Bella asked, quite put out and still heartily embarrassed from the entire situation.

"We're going home so we can squeal like pre-teen banshees over your almost getting laid tonight before our untimely, yet perfectly timed interruption, of course, Bella! Duh," Alice said with the required roll of her eyes.

Now, reader, you should feel eternally grateful to us because we're going to skip over this banshee-like conversation. Please take note that if we did include it, it would be required to include a lot of caps lock and misplaced exclamation marks. We're sure your industrious imaginations can conjure this up so we don't have to.

Instead of peeking in on these habitual female rituals of embarrassing your friend to teh point of a shame-induced death, we turn instead back to the apartment of the three boys who were left in a slightly bewildered state as the three gorgeous girls walked out on them.

Edward, of course, was still mostly undressed and basking in his own reflection that he could just catch from the TV's reflection and Jasper and Emmett were both gaping at the door that their two conquests-to-be had just disappeared through.

"What just happened there?" Jasper asked, already desperately missing his little pixie angel he had such an intimate connection with, after those five minutes in the bar.

Please note for future: Jasper will go mute whenever we see fit. So, just because he happens to say something at one moment, don't count on him being mentioned again in the same scene. It really works best this way, trust us.

"Dudes, I was SO getting some tonight. THIS ISN'T FAIR," Emmett whined to his bros. He turned to look at Edward. "Eddie, didn't you see Rose? Didn't you see her hot body and all those curves and man oh man how I would just love to run my hands all over-"

"Emmett, please," Jasper said somewhat frantically, eyes wide and scared. "I am trying to picture Alice in my head, and you going on and on about a BLONDE IS TOTALLY KILLING MY JAZZ." (Ha, ha, did you see what we did there?). Oh and, this is where Jasper goes silencio!

They both turned to look at Edward, who was looking back at them with a strange expression.

"I have a connection with Bella," he said, all super happy and weird-like. I mean, he's really excited about this revelation. "Bella has changed my ways. No longer will I scout the bars and streets and sewers and boats and oceans and countries and continents for my love. It is her. She is the love of my life. Forever and ever."

Now, dear readers, I have a feeling you've known this from the very beginning, but please allow us to keep believing our plot line is tragically original by telling you that on that day, in that exact moment, after spending a mere thirty minutes or so having a hot make out session with one Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, man-whore extraordinaire, decided to change his ways and become the very epitome of the perfect man. After all, once a man falls in love, he's always perfectly willing to change everything and anything about himself to better conform to what his new love wants of him.

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_There's some statement here that implies you must review or die. Or you know...something along those lines._


	4. Chapter 4

_Dear readers, we hope you were not too concerned about our absence, but since we know you care so deeply, we'll explain ourselves. You see, Kris lost her cell phone and was absolutely distraught the entire week and Julie can't really function without Kris so everything just spiraled downwards from there. We're just not sure how we can dig ourselves out of this terrible, terrible situation but with love and support from our friends, we think we can do it. Right at this moment, we're looking at new phones for Kris. Hopefully, this will help us out and we can crawl out from under this dark, oppressive place life had taken us to. Please send positive thoughts our way!_

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Edward was so excited by this revelation about Bella being the love of his life, he started to transform into a completely different man. Before Bella, he was of course, an unapologetic man-whore but now that Bella had shot into his life like a shooting star to light up the black skies of his existence...well, needless to say, dear reader, Edward was more than willing to renounce any and all offers he might get to have orgies with his many fangirls.

Indeed, reader, instead of orgies every night, Edward began to become a hopeless sap who bought Bella roses every chance he got and in his spare time, even composed some poetry for her about his soul full of the blackest kind of blasphemy or something like that. Bella, while grateful for the attention, was still a bit dazed from being dazzled by Edward and inundated by roses.

Bella, who let us remind you, was still very socially awkward and uncomfortable with suddenly being the brunt of the entire female population's enmity. Apparently, although Edward hadn't quite managed to sleep with all of them, every girl on campus or even in the near vicinity of campus, had her sights set on him so even hearing that he might become a one-woman man was very disconcerting. They began plotting terrible ways in which to hurt Bella almost immediately. It's what all jilted girls do after all. They don't really go to the store, buy some chocolate ice cream and have a pity party. Those are lies invented by ice cream companies to promote sales. No, in reality, when girls see that the man of their choice has been snatched up, albeit by a socially awkward and fashion inept girl, they immediately begin to think of ways to either expel or severely injure said socially awkward and fashion inept girl.

And this tendency to plot, readers, brings us to our next tragically original plot twist.

Introducing TANYA (cue loud groans of haters or loud squeals of fangirls. Pick your side).

Tanya, Tanya, Tanya. That's really all she goes by, usually. She's like one of those pop singers, with one name who doesn't bother with a last name because that would take too much effort.

Anyways.

With legs long like a flamingo's, and long strawberry blonde hair (sometimes straight, sometimes curls, meh it depends) flowing down her back, seeming to never end because, dear readers, Tanya is beautiful, hot, smokin', and FIERCE. But she's an ultra-mega bitch, too. And all she wants is to get into Edward Cullen's pants.

By "all she wants is to get into Edward Cullen's pants", we literally mean that's all the girl ever thinks about. Her mind can apparently only hold onto one idea at a time and since her sights were set on our favorite man-whore, she of course zeroed in on the girl who was the obstacle in her path to him.

Tanya immediately called a convention of her fellow bitches so they could come up with oh so creative ways to punish Bella's for even being near Edward's pants. The plans, needless to say, were terribly inventive. The final plan however was perhaps the best, the most inventive, most creative thing we've ever heard, and we're positive, dear readers, that you have never even THOUGHT of something so insanely clever.

You see, Tanya and her friends decided that the next weekend they would throw a party which of course, Edward, who although he was convinced he had changed his ways, was still a man-whore therefore he would be required by social caste to attend. Of course, he would bring along his new girlfriend which would give Tanya a chance at sweet, sweet clever revenge. What do Tanya and her friends have planned to get back at Bella, you ask? Well, reader, normally we would have make you wait through the obligatory congratulations and smirks that they would exchange for almost the entire chapter but since we are such benevolent authors, we've decided to skip over that and fast forward to the night of the party.

The night of the party (errr, before the party) goes like this:

Bella is super freaked out (because she's going to the party with EDWARD CULLLEN!), Alice is practically kissing her own feet because of her fashion expertise, and Rose is looking drop dead stunningly gorgeous in some red dress, which we don't really care about going into detail here. We could go post some pictures in the profile, just to prove that we ourselves know what we're talking about...but when we say we don't care about detail - we meant it. For now.

"Belllaaaaaaa, you have GOT to stop panicking," Alice quipped as she helped Bella into another too tiny dress. "You have Edward Cullen wrapped around your small delicate finger. You should hear all the talk around campus."

Bella just could. Not. Believe. It. "But Alice, how is this possible? I don't understa-- oh my god, Alice! I can't breathe in this dress!!"

Alice zipped up her back and smirked. "WHO CARES? YOU LOOK HOT. Just don't eat anything tonight, okay? Great, okay!"

At that, Alice danced a walk away to leave Bella standing in front of her mirror, staring at her perfect figure, looking lovely, and wondering just why the universe hated her.

--

It's also not really important to explain what is going on over at the guys' apartment. All that matters is that they show up, all three of them looking way too sexy for their own good as our three ladies melt into their skimpy dresses.

This scene of reunion between the sexes brings us to the party, of course. Alice insisted that they all arrive late because otherwise her presence might go unannounced, but this way, everyone was sure to see them enter.

Meanwhile, clinging onto Edward for dear life was Bella, who was not only having trouble breathing but also having trouble not breaking her ankles in the impossibly high heels her...um, friends had forced her into. Never fear though, dear readers, we won't mention poor Bella's plight again as it is one of those details that just sort of slips our mind. Just know that even though she was really upset with Alice and Rose for squeezing her into the dress, she forgets about any animosity and breathing trouble as soon as she walks into the party.

In fact, it seems the only person capable of hanging on to animosity is Tanya, who is, as we are sure you could never guess, lurking surreptitiously among her party guests, waiting to lure Bella into her master plan.

Meanwhile, our six lovebirds are completely and blissfully unaware and the obligatory dance scene between Bella and Edward is taking place. You know...grinding, feelings of sexual arousal and possible inappropriate groping that seems out of character even for our man-whore version of Edward? Good, then we won't have to elaborate too much and we can skip right to what we feel is possibly the most tragically original part of this entire story: Tanya's revenge.

So here we are. Edward and Bella are dancing together, completely unaware that anyone else is in the room. Or in the entire world, to be honest. Basically, they're both dazzling each other, which isn't exactly the best thing because that means they're not aware of Tanya's presence.

To start off the revenge, Tanya must first make herself known to Edward. And by making herself known, we mean trying to have sex with him right there in front of everyone!

"Edward," Tanya purred into the ex-man-whore's ear as she snuck her hand up to his chest and starting sliding it everywhere.

"Tanya, don't touch me," Edward growled and threw her off of him.

"But, Eddie, you used to like it when I touched you," Tanya whined, completely unpredictably. Behind Edward, Bella glared and refused to believe that her former man-whore of a boyfriend would ever allow himself to be touched by Tanya. You're not _really_ supposed to find this out until later in the story during some confessional or other between our two lovers, but benevolent authors that we are, we're going to reveal to you this precious, original gem in our plotline: Edward, despite his reputation of being a man-whore, is a virgin, so Bella's faith is not really misplaced! We would never let our poor, socially inept heroine fall for anyone less than pristine even if he appeared to be quite a man-whore at first. That would be terrible of us and after all, there are tons of hot college boys with girls hanging all over them who are virgins! But we digress.

"Perhaps it escaped your notice, but he's here with ME," Bella asserted. Apparently, she becomes very fierce and bad ass the very moment it would be most convenient for our plot, but never fear, dear readers, she'll return to being socially awkward very soon.

"Oh really?" Tanya sneered. Then, shocker of shockers, she added with a self-satisfied smirk, "Prove it."

--

_Ohhhh cliffhanger!! How dare we do this to you! What's Tanya going to do? It's a mystery to us too! _

…_and guess what? It will remain a mystery to you until we get 2,000 reviews. Yes. Two. Thousand. You read right._


	5. Chapter 5

_There are some very good reasons this chapter took so many months to complete...you see, we both had family staying over, Julie wanted to leave the fandom, Kris's Amish boyfriend broke up with her(he didn't want to leave the community for her), both of our computers broke at one point or another, Julie had trouble with her wireless and THEN the file got corrupted and we had to start all over and Kris refused to cooperate. It was awful, but despite the odds being stacked against us, we have persevered and written you another chapter of quality fic. Enjoy!_

--

Bella stood in complete shock for a few seconds, having never been put in such a situation before since she is very socially awkward after all. Usually she avoids any type of confrontation, but as you can tell, Tanya pushed all the right buttons in our reluctant heroine. (Please, take note of the 'e', readers, and know that if we weren't such sticklers for spelling we would have left it off.)

"Fine," Bella finally sniffed in response and catching everyone at the party by surprise, and we're sure surprising you all as well, she grabbed Edward's shirt and kissed him very obscenely. In fact, it would probably be a bit inappropriate to fully describe the kiss Bella gave Edward.

As for Edward, well readers, as we're sure you already know, he was pretty damn turned on by the whole thing. Not only was Bella being all fierce and such, she also had just given him the hottest kiss ever. Mostly, Edward just wanted to take her home and finish what they had started a few nights ago. They had other things to deal with first before he could start ripping off Bella's clothes again though.

When they finally came up for air, everyone had stopped to stare at them like they had just streaked across a football field instead of just performing a very public display of affection. Tanya, especially, was gaping like a gold fish at our favorite couple.

Tanya sputtered in shock for a minute before oh so intelligently coming up with this shocking retort: "That's hardly proof. Everyone knows Edward Cullen would kiss anyone."

Bella glared at her, getting all geared up to say something terribly witty, fierce, and profound in the sort of way that would inspire all young girls to respond in this situation, but Edward took a step forward and started talking before she got a chance.

"Tanya," he sighed, his velvet voice swooning every girl watching the three of them (as well as a few men). "I love Bella. She makes my heart beat so fast that I feel it's going to explode out of my chest. You are a bitch and a slut. Bella is ten times the woman you will ever hope to be. She's beautiful, sweet, and she_ understands_ me better than anyone else ever can or ever will. Especially you."

Edward turned to grab Bella's hand, who was actually gazing at him and absolute lust and desire, before quickly turning his head back to Tanya, who was gaping once again, and added, "Oh, and, I hate you."

Edward grabbed his beloved off the dance floor and towards one of the dark corners, not paying any attention to the crowd that was cheering and clapping because of that inspiring speech.

Once they were in the dark, Bella literally pounced on him as she used her newly found seduction skills and whispered up into Edward's ear, "You're so sexy when you're mad."

Showing some very unexpected sexual prowess, Bella grabbed Edward and pulled him down for a very inappropriate kiss which he gladly encouraged. However, all too soon for our heroine's taste he pulled away. Why, you ask would a man-whore pull away from a willing woman like Bella? Well, dear reader, we're glad you asked. While it may be well-known Edward is a man-whore, he is also a gentleman. A gentleman man-whore (who is also secretly still a virgin, if you'll be so kind as to remember). Apparently it's not nearly as uncommon as it sounds. You'll have to trust us.

"Bella," Edward whispered in that silky voice that rendered Bella barely coherent. "I think we should wait."

"Wait?" Bella asked horrified. You see, we've failed to mention one small detail before that will entangle our tragically original plot even more. Bella has made a bet with her two BFFs that she could lose her virginity before her next birthday, which oh-so-conveniently was next week. We know, it's shocking, isn't it? Shocking, but true.

So, when Bella heard those horrifying words from Edward, who she though would be a sure lay, she immediately went into panic mode.

_Oh my God, I knew it. I'm not good enough. I'm a klutz and not as pretty as barbie dolls and Edward is just so shallow that he could never want me._

Bella's eyes widened as she took a step back from her Adonis. "You don't really want me, do you?" she choked out.

"What? Of course I do -"

Bella cut him off, feeling rejected, angry and still horny so that I was pissing her off even more. "You obviously don't care about me at all, because if you did you would take me; right here, right now!"

Edward took a step towards her, trying to reach out to her and feeling very, very confused. "Bella, you don't understand. I just think that we should -"

"I thought you were different, Edward," Bella cried, feeling all those insecurities of hers start to come out (wherever they come from, we don't even know). "You were willing to_ want_ all those other girls, but now with me you can't even pretend to think I'm even good enough! BASTARD!"

Bella tore away from him, tears rolling down her cheeks but luckily Alice had her put on waterproof mascara earlier, so Bella still looked beautiful as she cried. She was going to have to remember to thank that little pixie later.

Since Alice was the all-knowing of the two BFFs, she was of course, immediately at Bella's side to escort her out of the building while Rose, true to her man-hating nature, got all revved up to quick some man-whore ass for rejecting her beloved friend.

"EDWARD CULLEN!" Rose shrieked and as always happens when someone yells in a college party in full-swing - everything went silent immediately and the crowds parted to reveal Edward cowering in the corner from Rose's wrath. Rose took a dramatic deep breath and narrowed her eyes at the reformed man-whore as he protested that his feelings for Bella really did run deep. His words however meant nothing when compared to the legendary hate that Rose was capable of. There's no need to go much more in depth in the reasoning behind Rose's seemingly random man-hate, just be satisfied to know that she's a complete and utter bitch. Dear readers, we're sure you've realized in your extensive readings that every story needs at least one character who's a bitch for no good reason(but don't worry, she'll be magically transformed later when she's reunited with Emmett. Just sit tight.)

"Rose..." Edward, our once brave, if slightly tarnished hero, protested. "I was only trying -"

"I don't care what you were trying to do, you bastard," Rose spat at him(quite literally), then before gracefully storming out and making a very dramatic exit from the party, she added the necessary, if slightly disturbing threat, "If you come near her again, I will rip your balls off."

Edward gulped. Everyone else gaped in shock before someone thought to turn on the music again which had been turned off oh so conveniently so everyone could hear Rose as she threatened Edward.

Edward, left to his own devices after everyone conveniently turned away and pretended he didn't exist, left the party to wallow in the deep, dark depression that suddenly and surprisingly seized his soul at the thought of never seeing Bella again because if you haven't caught on yet, Edward is a very dramatic soul. In fact, we're betting he would have done wonderfully as a slam poet if he'd chosen to go that way with his life, but that's besides the point.

Getting back to our tragically original plot, Edward, as we're quite sure you wouldn't have guessed, locked himself in his room for days on end, brooding and generally feeling sorry for himself until Emmett dragged him out into the sunlight claiming that he would die of "the darkness". Oh, have we mentioned that besides always talking in caps lock Emmett also apparently has the mental capacity of a 4-year-old? Well, keep that in mind, It's important.

So after being forced back into the sunlight, our reformed man-whore finally began to pull himself together what, pray, did he do, dear reader? The world may never know. (Until we write the next chapter that is.)

--

_If you don't review, we'll be forced to pull a New Moon and hide Edward for the next ten chapters. You don't really *want* that to happen, now do you?_


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